This is quite possibly my last day as a mom of one. Tomorrow I go in for a scheduled induction for Baby #2 (sex unknown!). I have so many feelings. Nervous about the labor and delivery and everything going smoothly. I had some complications this time around and will be delivering a little early. Last time Leo was in no rush to come out but hopefully this chunkster is a bit more cooperative. Sure feels like he/she is ready to come on out! Nervous about the newborn stage which quite frankly terrified the crap out of me last time. They’re so tiny and dependent on you and I really had no clue what I was doing – but somehow we made it and Leo is now a 2 year old wiz kid and future pro athlete (100% not from my genes but mark my words, this kid is athletically blessed.) Nervous about experiencing postpartum anxiety and/or depression which is very real my friends and doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom, a bad person, crazy or anything else. My rant on the level of postpartum care, maternity leave policies and general treatment of mothers (especially working moms) in this country will be saved for a future (probably multiple) blog posts but let’s just say it’s lacking. Severely.
And maybe most of all… nervous and unable to imagine loving another tiny person as much as Leo. I know what they say, your heart expands and your love grows and I’m excited for it. I can’t wait to see Leo as a big bro, and see our family come together as a foursome. It’s crazy to think how much changed since Leo came along though. How this 6-pound little person completely threw my world into a tailspin, gave me the biggest challenge of my life and somewhere along the way, showed me everything I ever wanted out of life and gave me a sense of pride, wholeness and love I never knew I needed. He makes me laugh daily and drives me crazy hourly, but somehow I’ve grown to miss him nearly every minute we’re not together.
As I anxiously await another birth, another tiny human placed on my chest in a haze of bliss, exhaustion, relief and joy, an uncountable string of sleepless nights, worrying about my milk supply and proper flange size, and a few dozen google searches a day (“What is intermittent breathing?” “What is that gunk in his eye?” “Is green poop normal?”), I leave this letter of love and appreciation for my sweet, hilarious, stubborn, smart and handsome firstborn, may he always know that it was him who taught me to be a mama and prepared me to do it all over again for his sister or brother, hopefully with a little more confidence this time around, a few less google searches and if we’re really lucky, a few less sleepless nights!
And finally… any last minute name suggestions welcome here. Comment away, we are taking submissions until the 11th hour here, folks!
It took me nearly 9 months of pregnancy before I blogged about that so are you really surprised that it’s taken me almost an entire year to blog about the whole motherhood thing? I’ve decided to dust off the blog this week to finally attempt to put into words the whirlwind that was the last year or so.
Perhaps at some point I’ll hit publish on some more specific posts about Leo’s birth, those first few hazy weeks (ok, months) and other bits that have crept in and out of my mind this past year, but this post is more of a quick checkin, as well as a way to hopefully clear my head and deal with the heart wrenching emotions of dropping my little guy off at daycare the past few weeks. Writing can be cathartic, right?
I’ve been trying to put into words the way it feels to have a child, and also how it’s changed my life so significantly, but also in a million little ways too. The best way that I’ve been able to sum up my emotions since being called mama is this: It feels like I am walking around with my heart outside my body all the time. I have never felt so deeply every emotion there is to feel until motherhood. Love. Happiness. Fear. Admiration. Hope. Loneliness (100% honesty here). Trepidation (aka more fear). Excitement. The list goes on. One day it’s just you and then there’s this crazy – not possible to be prepared for – birthing experience and then you return home and your entire world has changed and you are now responsible for another life (one that did NOT come with an instruction manual btw). Maybe this was part of my struggle, because I’m actually obsessed with instruction manuals, just ask my husband. I save them all in a binder and feel the need to refer back to them when operating everything from a dust buster to our coffee maker to confirm I’m “doing it right.” No one can really tell you exactly what to do every minute of the day and how to handle every situation that parenthood throws you into and because of this, I really struggled at first. But what they say is true. The days are long but the years are short. And also, it DOES get easier. And you get better at it. You learn what each little cry and sound means. You change diapers like a pro. You rock them and swaddle them and nurse them. You obsess about their bowel movements, their sleep habits, their milestones. Your heart nearly explodes when they smile for the first time. Then laugh. Then say mama. and dada. And become this tiny perfect little human that you created who also has their own unique personality and learns things on their own and amazes you every single day. Yeah, its kinda like that.
And then nearly a year passes and you can’t believe how quickly it went by. And then your sitting in a coffee shop trying to do some work when you overhear two adorable parents next to you giving their even more adorable son a pep talk on what to expect for his first day of kindergarten. “They’ll be a lot of laughing and there might be some crying… And mom might be a little sad…”And your heart nearly explodes again because it’s just about the sweetest thing you’ve ever witnessed. And you can’t believe you’ll be doing the same thing in the blink of an eye…
Major life changes over at Allie Zog headquarters since my last few blogs… I am about to become a mom…and I guess as a blogger, maybe also a #momblogger? Though I’d prefer not to be labeled as such. Yes, I may be becoming a mom, and I hope to be a better blogger in the days ahead, but I still plan to blog about a myriad of things. I know motherhood has a tendency to take over people’s lives and consequently their online life, but I really hope I can keep some balance and still write about the other aspects of my life on here too. Anyway…I will happily label today’s post as my first in the Mom Life category.
What’s on my mommy mind you ask? Well, a whole lot but off the top of my head, here at the current things keeping me up at night now that’s there exactly one week until my due date!!
I want to wash. everything. I’ve tossed more things in my washing machine than I ever thought possible. Baby clothes (with Dreft!), stuffed animals (who knew?), all my clothes, blankets, sheets, rugs, slippers (Can these even go in there? Here’s hoping since mine are currently on the spin cycle…) My motto has become ABDL (always be doing laundry)… All I can say is nesting – it’s real people…
Is my hospital bag up to par? I’ve read all the lists (and damn there are a lot of them) and I think my two bags (one for labor and one your stay, just like the lists say!) are sufficiently packed but who knows? I’m particularly stressed on 1) What size I’ll be and whether I need maternity pants or regular-ish pants to wear home and 2) What size the little guy will be? Luckily his tiny and precious outfits take up next-to-no-space so he’s got quite a few options for his “going home” outfit. Poor guy is already having to deal with mom’s over packing problem I guess!
Are we properly “stocked up” for returning home from the hospital? Everything I’ve been reading makes it seem like Armageddon and that you will never be able to get to a store again. It’s like hurricane and snowstorm prep times 10. Do I really need a stockpile of paper goods and a freezer full of pre-made food? And even for the baby, how many diapers and wipes do I really need in advance, especially in the days of Amazon Prime 2-day shipping of anything…
After writing these, I am also now thinking that perhaps I consume too much media on a daily basis… I probably don’t need to read every book, blog, app and Facebook post regarding parenthood but I can’t escape it! Thanks to re-targeting, it’s coming at me from all angles from web banners to Facebook ads…
Food. My current cravings and favorite foods are cereal with milk, Twizzler pull n’ peel and all the carbs… Oh and as for immediate post-pregnancy wishes, I’ll take a turkey sandwich with all the fixins and a pumpkin beer with a cinnamon sugar rim please!
And lastly but certainly not least: I can’t wait to meet this guy!!! What will he look like? I’m thinking a full head of dark hair, wide eyes and a devilish grin but I will be over the moon with an alien shaped head, ten fingers and ten toes as long as he’s healthy and happy.
It’s still pretty unreal to me that a tiny human that FF and I created will be joining us in a few short days and that we’ll be responsible for him and get to watch him grow and shape his world. I think it’s one of those things that you can’t fully prepare for, and no matter how much “stuff” is ready and waiting for his arrival, those first few moments after bringing him home are going to be a blur of “what do I do now??”, “whoa!”, wow, and wonderment. I’m excited, slightly terrified and very much ready to meet Baby Fusco (full name to come at birth!).